NO ONE READS THIS BLOG EXCEPT ME, THE SCARIEST HALLOWEEN THOUGHT OF THEM ALL!!! But CPS is on strike, which means I have nothing to do, so here I am throwing terrifying music into the void of the internet.
In honor of our friends over at Awesöme Orchestra, who planned a perfectly normal 69th session, I’ve decided to put together a roundup of the most sexually explicit works of classical music. Call it my own personal fantasy concert and a casual suggestion for when AO makes it to session 169. Obviously v LEWD and NSFW content beyond, CW: we shan’t be pretending sex doesn’t exist.
Real talk for a second. I started this blog because classical music is in trouble. The halls are oppressive and unwelcoming, the elitism, sexism, and racism are rampant among and obvious to performers, administration and audiences alike. What did I think this blog was going to do? Unleash a powerful wave of magic that made everyone go all sunshine and rainbows about the world and music?
Regardless of one’s personal religious beliefs, Christmas means that a whole bunch of classical musicians are valued and loved at this time of year and perhaps even more importantly, paid. And a whole lot of instrumentalists are making their rent off this baby right here.
I did a dumb thing today and started a comment fight on a Classic FM post because I just couldn’t handle their ludicrous claim that Olympia’s “Doll aria” aka “Les oiseaux dans les charmilles” from Offenbach’s Tales of Hoffman was “the most insane piece ever written for soprano“.
Here at Canon Fodder, one of the most common reasons we hear that people don’t like classical music is that they don’t know anything about it, and therefore that they won’t understand it. The truth is, though, that even people who consider themselves newbies know more about classical music than they realize. For one thing, classical works are much more present in people’s everyday lives than they might think. From movie and television soundtracks to commercials to even many pop songs, you have probably been exposed to more of the “great works” than the average person who was alive when they were written.
Much of pop music today relies on the same concepts of harmony and composition that were established over hundreds of years of classical music1. So when we talk about some fancy-schmancy classical music concept like counterpoint, it’s important to remember that you probably know more about it already than you think, and you have definitely already heard it. I’m going to give you the basics of counterpoint so you can impress your friends and co-workers at happy hour, and show you how it’s still being used today — come for the Renaissance, stay for Bob’s Burgers!
This is post intended for newbies but please don’t ever feel like you’re dumb for not knowing instruments. It’s something I’ve heard people say before and I am here to tell you that identifying instruments by sight and sound is both something so simple children can do it and also something I still occasionally screw up (sometimes oboes sound like clarinets man, it happens).
GOOD FOR: when you feel sad because love is so beautiful but will you ever find it?!?!, generally crying your eyes out
The relationship between Robert and Clara Schumann is the most beautiful, bonkers, and heartbreaking love story in classical music. It has everything: Star-crossed lovers! A scandalous legal battle! Incredible musical works inspired by and dedicated to each other! Syphilis! And one of the most tragic endings you’ll hear this side of Shakespeare. It’s my favorite coupling in all of music, so just give up now, Taylor Swift!